Six-sigma jokes

Yes, it is possible to inject a bit of humor into six-sigma, but not too much as these “jokes” prove:

Q: What type of control chart do you use for tracking drug testing that uses urine samples?

A: p Chart.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust clouds towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Bans and a YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his flock and calmly answered “Sure”. The yuppie parks his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, the surfed to a NASA page on the net, where he called up a GPS navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed up a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniature printer, turned to the shepherd and said, “You have exactly 1586 sheep.” “That’s correct, take one of the sheep.” Said the shepherd. He watched the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?” “Ok, why not” answered the young man. “Clearly you are a Six Sigma Black Belt.” Said the shepherd. “That’s correct, but how did you guess that.” Said the yuppie “No guessing required,” answered the shepherd. ” You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog.”

Q: What did the Black Belt say when people complained of the intermittent stench emitted from the wastewater treatment facility?

A: Shift happens!

Q: How many Black Belts does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It doesn’t matter. By the time the team completed the Cpk, CTQ, R&R, QFD, DOE, 5S and SPC, it was daytime again and the customer didn’t need the light bulb any more.

Q: Why did the psychiatrist finally give up on trying to help the Six Sigma Black Belts?

A: They kept regressing.

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and a 6 Sigma Black Belt are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens-he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention -so he’s let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime, and he is set free too. They grab the Black Belt and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”

Q: A forensics expert walks into a room with a bunch of dead Six Sigma Black Belts who show no visible signs of injury. What’s the first thing he should check for?

A: Poisson distribution.